Saturday, February 15, 2014

One Year Later...


Last Valentines Day I sat on my couch for a few hours staring straight ahead. Eric was flying, so I was left alone with my thoughts. I was in the midst of fertility turmoil and was feeling particularly raw and bereft on a day that is meant to be romantic and sentimental. I decided to put pen to paper and “go public” with our story of fertility and trying to conceive. I thought maybe I could make sense of it; maybe I could externalize the things that had been swimming in my head for some time. And so I wrote and I shared and I cried. The support, empathy and encouragement that followed was humbling and extraordinary. I could never have known what was waiting for me just around the bend. 

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Zachary Claude Paddock was born on December 31st at 5:51AM. He came earlier (and was way scrawnier!) than I predicted. He is 6 1/2 weeks old now and has already changed and grown so much. The infancy stage is a day-by-day process--a constant surrendering of control--just as my ‘trying to conceive’ and pregnancy stages were. It makes me realize that possibly the human species is never meant to feel like we have everything under control because then we wouldn’t need God. I pick up my squirmy newborn in the early hours of the dark morning, bleary eyed, delirious and desperate for sleep. I hum a warbly, morning-breath rendition of  “Chariots of Fire” and melt when Zach doles out a gassy sleep-smile that, I’m sure, is totally unintended for me. He has to do so little, nothing, actually, for me to love him wholly and unconditionally. He grips his tiny hand on my shirt collar and heaves a robust post-milk sigh and I know I would die for him.

I have loved the name Zachary for a long time. It just seems like a strong name. I loved how the short ‘a’ worked with the short ‘a’ of Paddock. Zach Paddock. When we found out we were having a boy I looked up the meaning of Zachary:  Remembered by God. My eyes welled with tears at the meaning of his name--at the meaning of it all. God remembered. When I felt like I was navigating that lonely fertility road with no end in sight, God remembered. 

But I cannot detach from the stories I have heard along this journey. I have mingled tears with so many girls who, like me, have felt forgotten. There was not one day of my pregnancy and certainly not one day of Zach’s life when I don’t wonder, “Why us? Why did God choose us and not someone else to bring this child into the world?” To say that He “remembered” is to imply that He occasionally forgets, which is untrue. Nothing catches God by surprise. But in my cyclical reasoning, I am brought back to my root question: “Why us? Why now?”  And my only answer I can come up with is that I simply don’t know. I am not meaning to sound all martyr-ish. I am thankful and infinitely blessed. 

One of my FB friends posted a quote from Amy Grant:  “Beautiful the mess we are; the honest cries of breaking hearts are better than a hallelujah sometimes.” I dedicate this post to my dear friends who are still in the thick of it. I have not forgotten what it feels like to be parked on the other side of the fence. I still pray for anyone who is in a season of waiting and wanting and pray that in due time, you will feel Remembered by God. 



1 comment:

  1. "...possibly the human species is never meant to feel like we have everything under control because then we wouldn't need God." Thanks, friend. That was a kernel of truth I needed today. Can't wait to see you three in a week!

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